A glimpse at the world through the eyes of a miserable bastard

Once in a while we get a bit sick of the sound of our own voices and feel the need to sprinkle a few extra spicy ingredients into the Proper Magazine pie. Spicy is one way to describe the unforgiving, cynical and downright brilliant eye on the world offered by our friend Richard Green. Read on to find out more about ten films that will depress your tits right off.

Do you smile to yourself when a celebrity you don’t like finds out they have cancer? Do you sometimes pinch the dog quite hard for no reason? Ever kick a football full blast at a 4 year old child? If so, you’re not a very nice person and like me, probably find it hard to see the good in the world.

At this time of the year especially, I like to review some of the gloomiest, most depressing movies the world has ever seen, just to plunge me even further into the neverending pit of despair that is life.

Here’s my top ten, if you can ever be arsed reading it, which I doubt:-

Bad Boy Bubby“Bubby be a good boy for mamma”. If you like your movies with a twist of incest and a touch of abuse of the mentally disabled then you’ve come to the right place. Meet Bubby. His mother has locked him in a house all his 40 years of life. He has been told the air outside is toxic so he can’t leave. She beats him, he beats the cat. All hilarious stuff. A must see for those with a darker side to their character. Think Napolean Dynamite meets League of gentleman.

Plague Dogs

My mum got me this movie when I was 6 thinking it was for kids. I’ve had dreams about it ever since. Like the older smackhead brother of Watership Down. Guaranteed to make you feel like shit.

OldboyImagine if you were taken into a section of death row in the United states. You were made to get on your knees with your hands behind your back then were repeatedly and savagely raped in the face by the foulest murderers society has thrown up. As you sit afterwards sobbing uncontrollably whilst semen and blood dripped from the gaping cock stinking hole in your face that you once called a mouth, you would naturally think ‘nothing could ever be as much of a head fuck as this’. Then you’ve obviously never seen Old Boy. This movie swings you from left to right more then a Limo drive with Henri Paul. Mindblowing.

FargoA masterpeice from the Farrelly Brothers. True nihilistic cinema. Moves slow but hits hard. Tremendous.

AntichristA man and women are having sex. Whilst they are not watching their child falls out of a window and dies. Overcome with grief they retreat to a wood hut in a desolate forest. He ends up cutting her clitoris off. Go and rent it now. 

Clockwork OrangeYes, I know it’s predictable but come on. Where else can you watch a woman beaten to death with a giant porcelain penis? Awesome stuff from Kubrick.

NetworkSo many things in this movie ring true in the modern world. A news anchorman goes mad on air, but instead of getting the sack, because the viewing figures go through the roof, he is brought back to primetime slot. He then declares he will kill himself live on air. How far will the TV company go for ratings?

ReligilousI have little time for any belief system. If it was up to me I’d fill every cruise liner at our disposal with religious folk and let them sail into the sunset. Then, when they were just approaching the horizon, I’d fucking napalm the lot of them and give them the end of days finale they’ve all been praying for for the last 2000 years. Bill Maher stars in this movie documentary as he tries to get to the bottom of why these brainless imbeciles believe the shit they do. He comes to a predictable conclusion, but there are priceless moments whilst he makes the journey. Nothing makes you feel worse than reassurance there is no afterlife, but if you are going to face the truth you might as well laugh along the way. A comedy call to arms for atheists everywhere.

There will be bloodBleaker than Maddy’s birthday at the McCann house, Day Lewis gives a real Oscar winning powerhouse performance as Oil Tycoon Daniel Plainview. Long and drawn out at times but ultimately rewarding, if you love cinema you have got to love this film. Even if it does make you feel like throwing yourself off the next available cliff.

Meet the FeeblesBefore the lord of the rings catapulted him into the elite directors stratosphere, Peter Jackson was a somewhat innovative filmmaker. Alongside his Alien Romp “Bad Taste”, he released a little known puppet movie called “Meet the Feebles”. Great songs, gory violence and sickening sex scenes. Fancy wanking to puppet sex? You’ve found your film. Enjoy.

So there you are. Rent them out, watch one a day for ten days then on the eleventh please shoot yourself point blank in the face with a flare gun. Enjoy. To read more from our misery correspondent, head to his blog at http://gripewithgreeny.blogspot.com/

Greeny

One Response

  1. Ian

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