Do you favour a night quoting Byron and playing with your lovers hair or perhaps a fight over a Giro and then pulling glass out of your mothers hair? Can’t decide? The take this serious psychological test immediately before someone calls your pint a puff?..
1. What was your best subject at school?
A: English Literature/Art
2. Do you believe in ‘Love at First sight?’
A: Without a shadow of a doubt
B: Are you calling me a queer?
3. Paul McCartney makes a move on someone you have had your eye on for some-time what do you do?
A: Say repeatedly that “the doggone girl/boy is mine’’ until he gets the message
B: Beat him repeatedly round the head with his ex-wife’s leg whilst screaming ‘anybody calls an ambulance an they’ll get the fuckin same!?’
4. Complete the famous Quote: ‘If music be the food of love?’
A: ‘.Play on’
B: ‘I’m gonna bite your fuckin ears off and make you eat them’
5. You’re at the fun-fair, which ride/amusement catches your eye first?
A: The Big Wheel then maybe the Hoopla to try and win a Teddy
B: Punch-Ball then the Bumper Cars to try and knock over a Gypo
6. Your partner asks “Do you love me?” how do you react?
A: Fall onto your knees crying whilst wrapping your arms around their ankles and saying “Yes, yes, God Yes!”
B: Cough, go red and then say “well you know what I mean?” under your breath before punching them in the arm and going to the Spar/Pub
7. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for/with your other half?
A: Cooked a meal/proposed in a busy place/paid for a last minute surprise holiday
B: Let them hold your hand in A&E/stopped glassing their brother when he went limp/head-lock
8. What the world needs now, is?
A: Love Sweet love, it’s the one thing that there’s just too little of
B: A bloody great big War
9. What will you be doing on Valentine’s Day?
A: Going for a quiet candle-lit meal in a little Bistro round the corner.
B: What the fuck’s it got to do with you like?
10. Which famous people do you relate to the most?
A: Pepe Le Pew/Jayne Seymour/Mick Hucknall/Barbara Cartland.
B: Ollie Reed/Jane Crouch/ Steven Seagal/Xena Warrior Princess.
11. Have you ever had your heart broken?
A: Yes but it was worth it.
B: No but it stopped beating once when that Bouncer jumped on me.
You are without a doubt an incurable romantic, let’s hope the Genito-Urinary clinic don’t come to the same conclusion
So you think you’re fuckin hard do you? We’ll see you outside the White Lion next Saturday 11.30pm (no tools) you great big nonce.