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Eight tradeshow brands that don’t exist but could

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As we may have mentioned, we’re just back from Berlin, where we looked at lots and lots of coats. An app suggested we walked a combined 18 miles over two days. It was pretty serious.

One thing that struck us though (aside from the biting cold and the fact some (but definitely not all) hotel receptionists look like Danny Baker), was the sheer volume of brands with names that didn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever. Brands you’ve never heard of, which must be so niche they’re only popular down one street in Valetta, Malta, or somewhere. Rather than be a massive snide calling them all out we’ve decided to come up with eight brands which we could easily have seen, but actually didn’t. Because they’re not real.

Or maybe they are, but we just didn’t see them.

Charlie Umlaut
A collection of excessively long t-shirts, all of which are either black or white. Their stand was staffed by a teutonic twosome of girls with really perfect hair and make up, but an expression which strongly spelled out their desire to be anywhere but standing in the middle of a tradeshow.

UOY KCUF
Inverting the words ‘Fuck Off’, in theory should be taken to mean the opposite. This colourful streetwear selection was pure “My Dad gave me loads of money for my 18th and instead of going on a big holiday and learning about the world, I bought loads of tupperware tubs full of gak, refreshers. Oh and I designed these clothes.” UOY KCUF is unbelievably popular.

Angry Anderson
Walking around and growing slowly disillusioned with the whole thing, suddenly you’re seeing Angry Anderson, just the way they are. Staffed by a toothless bald man who looks more out of context than a cat at crufts, this gear is all pleather and studs. Ripped jeans and bags that look like they can carry loads, but don’t.

Corporate Lunch
Their Paddington Bear collaboration stands proud at the centre of their stand, with loads of men who look like Paul Robinson off Neighbours swarming around it, somewhat inexplicably. Corporate Lunch is Dutch, hence their ‘Pancakes and Weed’ motto.

Grette Head
A streetwear brand with heavy overtones of goth, this brand is half t-shirts with genuinely brilliant artwork, and half jewellery which looks like it came out of a plastic egg. You’ll never see Grette Head anywhere in the shops (apart from once, in TK Maxx) but it seems really popular. They’re giving out branded exploding cigarettes and the chap dutifully trying to sell the stuff to the trade looks like he lives in a bin.

eCHOpHART
An ethical brand which cares more for the environment. Everything is green. Literally. So if you want to look like Kermit the Frog in a Puffa jacket, this is for you.

Tupele Dorgu
Loads of glittery, spangly tops. Made in Weatherfield. By artisans.

Aspartame
“PLEASE, NO PHOTO” they cry as you slyly snap the shittest pair of silver shoes you’ve ever seen. They’re shaped like the feet of absolutely no person, ever, yet a close look at their lookbook suggests their RRP is 1300 euros, which may as well be a million pounds.

One Response

  1. Gary Sideburn

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