Most time spent on Instagram is wasted time. Scrolling clickbait Reels, photos of people you barely recognise, and targeted ads that make you question whether this whole algorithm thing is actually that clever after all. But every now and then, you stumble across an account that makes the app worth keeping installed – and @trekuartista95 is one of them.
We’ve been following the page for a couple of years now, and every time a post lands in our feed, we drop everything. The content revolves around football – with other bloke staples like tip runs, pubs, and snooker mixed in – all paired with highly stylised captions. Short sentences. Loads of full stops. An abundance of northern dialect.
It’s some of the most amusing, witty writing you’ll find in an Instagram caption, and a genuinely refreshing antidote to the mindless AI slop clogging up most of the app.
The page is growing fast, as blokes continue to hear whispers of an Instagram safe space where they can moan about VAR, microscopic shin pads, and Ben White’s latest haircut. So before it all gets too big, we sat down with Cal to talk all things T95 – from favourite kits and Frazzles to his newly released ’zine.
Hi Cal, how are you? Where are you? And how would you describe T95 to someone who has no clue what it is?
Hi mate, all good thanks! Just sat at home watching Ice Road Truckers. Going through ‘em all again. Good viewing. So T95 started out as a football page, and has since evolved into somet’ daft really. It’s sport. Pubs. Blokes. Benidrom. Tip runs. The lot. Just my musings about ‘em all really. Like I said, it’s all a bit daft. I moan, a lot.
At what point did you realise that you wanted to write about football/sport in a stylised way? And at what point did you realise people enjoyed reading it?
It was never a conscious effort in all honesty. When I first started the page it was more journalistic. A bit more serious. A bit bland. I think it was lockdown when it all shifted. And that was by accident. I was furloughed. Bored shitless. And came across an image of Francesco Totti gazing aimlessly through a window and it reminded me of some owd lad across the road. Busybody type. Norris Cole from Corrie job. So I wrote somet’ daft, and it was well received.
That’s when I realised I’d found my niche.
Your writing is very regional. I’m assuming this is a reflection of where you’re from – do you speak in more or less the same way as the Instagram captions read?
Yeah, I’m from Blackburn originally and have always been told I’ve a thick broad accent. My wife tells me to slow down when I’m talking to people I’ve never met before because I mumble and they can’t understand me. Wants me to put on a telephone voice, but in person. Not for me, that.
What has been the biggest post on the page so far?
Without trawling back through ‘em all, I know a Gareth Southgate reel went silly. It was around the time everyone was calling him boring. There’s a video of him from back int’ day saying he just drinks water. Couldn’t be more Gareth if he tried.
Carlo Ancelotti smoking always does well. And anything on Arteta being a LinkedIn gaffer. Arsenal lot don’t take kindly to it.
What do your family think of the page? Big G seems to be pretty centric to it all, does he ever provide ideas/inspiration?
I don’t think they get it really. Neither my mum or dad can pronounce TREKuartista. So they both refer to it as “that page.” Which is fair enough. G’s never provided any ideas as such. But he inspires the page massively. Half the texts he sends end up on stories. I’ve had a few people ask if I prompt him to send somet’. But it’s all completely organic.
Do you have any background in writing at all?
I studied English Language and Journalism at Uni. So I guess kind of. But anyone who’s seen a T95 caption knows full well I don’t use punctuation as you should. I use too many fullstops, and not enough commas. Creative writing, init? Do what you want.
Moving to a more personal standpoint, have you always been into football? Who do you support? Who do you hate?
Yeah I’ve been into football for as long as I can remember. I’m a Blackburn Rovers fan, but it’s a love/hate thing. More hate, to be fair. We’re absolutely dreadful. And the club’s on its arse. So I support ‘em. Yet hate ‘em at the same time.
Can’t stand Burnley either, Dingles.
Favourite football shirt that your club has ever produced?
It’s hard to get a Rovers shirt wrong, to be fair. Just blue and white halves. But if i’m having to pick one then it’s Kappa home shirt, 2000/2001. The fit’s proper Italian. 94/95 ASICS is up there too, for obvious reasons. In fact, the ASICS sweatshirts and training gear were class. Goalkeeper shirts too, proper rascals. Not like the template kits you get these days.
Favourite football shirt of all time?
I’ll give you two. Boca home shirt, 1981/82. It’s just simple. And iconic. It features a CABJ starred font on the chest which is class. Think they’ve used that again in recent years. Probably every football hipster’s favourite too. Which is fair enough.
The other, Marseille home, 1990/91. Not arsed if that’s too predictable, it’s class. The shiny material, the slightly oversized trefoil, the Panasonic logo. Quality.
Favourite boots of all time?
Purely because it’s the first pair of boots I remember owning, Nike Air Zoom Total 90 II.
I had the blue and silver colourway. Felt like prime Roberto Carlos bombing up and down at left-back, played more like ya auntie Carol. Class boots, though. The adidas F50+ Spiders a close second. First pair of boots I bought with my own money. Saved up my paperround wage. Took forever.
Most stylish footballer of all time on and off the pitch?
Most of ‘em wear some proper shite. But Hector Bellerin’s got a bit about him. Loves a retro shirt. Birkenstock clogs. He’s sound. Used to buzz off Leighton Baines being proper Indie. Bet he wore some mad Fred Perry clobber whilst strumming an acoustic guitar int’ corner of the changing rooms whilst Thomas Gravesen terrorised everyone.
Least stylish?
James Milner, probably. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him in his own clobber. His civvies. Stinks of a man who couldn’t care less about what he wears. Shorts in winter kind of guy.
What do you tend to wear when you’re not on the pitch? Any brands you’re into?
Gramicci. Montbell. Purple Mountain Observatory. Mainly outdoor brands, without being ‘Gorp’. Anything Airism from Uniqlo and all. Lived in their joggers for the last six weeks whilst on paternity leave. Good material, easy to wipe baby sick off.
If you were curating a T95 last supper, who’s invited? And what’s on the menu?
Bob Mortimer’s first on the list. He’d probably rock up with his own spread anyway. Pocket meat and that. Liam Gallagher can have a seat. He’d be good crack. Jeremy Wade too. Bet he’s got some stories to tell. And that Big John can come as well. Just get him ‘boshing’ in the corner of the room.
On the menu i’d probably get This ‘n’ That to sort us out with a little banquet. Rice n 15, instead of three, or somet’ daft. Be class that.
Bloke culture is also a central part of the page – how would you define being a bloke? My dad always mutes the adverts on telly because they annoy him – always struck me as being quite a bloke attribute.
It all comes down to the activities you do and how you do ‘em. Knowing what colour bin’s getting emptied on what day. Doing a tip run and already knowing what container ya cardboard’s going in before the owd fella at the gate tells you. Going IKEA with a tape measure, just in case. Jet washing the patio. All, typically, ‘blue’ jobs. But anyone can do ‘em. Anyone can have that ‘bloke’ trait. It’s sound.
If you were Prime Minister, what football rules are you scrapping/introducing on your first day in office?
VAR’s getting scrapped immediately. Load of shite. A cap on ticket prices. Twenty quid a pop, shouldn’t be paying any more than that. Parachute payments in the Championship, they’re getting binned too. FA Cup replays are being brought back, unless it’s two teams from the same league playing against each other. In fact, they should just do rock, paper, scissors to see who progresses from the off.
Best pub snack of all time?
Magnet in Stockport does pork pies from Littlewoods butchers. They’re class. But if ya in a flat roof gaff, then Frazzles for me. Top tier.
It’s not a pub, but there’s a snooker hall in Colne, and it sells chicken burgers for about two quid. They’re unreal. My mate had his stag do there, class.
Favourite pint?
I don’t know the brewery. Or the actual name of the pint. But had a Solero IPA in Copenhagen the other year. Closest I’ve ever come to giving anything a 10/10. Don’t believe in perfection, but that wasn’t far off.
Aside from football, what other sporting activities do you partake in? Snooker and darts seem to come up on the page a fair bit.
I’m shit at darts. Got a dodgy elbow, so chuck ‘em all over the gaff. Enjoy playing snooker when I can. Got to have a few hours spare, though. Used to play cricket but packed it in. Got bored of fielding for 3 hours, not bowling, and then getting out for a golden duck.
I do a bit of running. But I don’t film myself doing it, yet. There’s time.
Nine darter, hole in one or 147?
If we’re talking level of difficulty it’s 147, nine darter, hole in one. 36 perfect shots for a maximum break compared to nine perfect ‘arrers.
Hole in one, I’ve seen loads of lads on Facebook knock ‘em in, so piece of piss is that. But if we’re talking what I’d rather do, nine darter. No questions. Imagine firing in that last dart and then giving it big’uns on stage. Whilst big Keith from Crawley, dressed as a cone, launches pints all over the gaff. Chaos.
Would you rather spend a day watching rugby surrounded by proper rugby lads or wear a half-and-half scarf on an away day?
Half-and-half scarf on an away day. It’s criminal, I know. But rather that than spend a few hours with ya Barnabies, ya Monties and ya Tarquins drinking each other’s piss.
Aside from sports in general, what do you spend your time doing?
Writing. I do a fair bit of that when I can. And walking, that’s not a sport, is it? Enjoy going for overpriced oat lattes and daft little pastries that cost close to five sheet too.
Are you alright to give any food/drinks recommendations from your home town/where you’re living currently? Pubs, restaurants, social clubs?
Few better pubs than the Magnet in Stockport. Got a good selection of taps there.
Yellowhammer’s ideal for a quick bite, always do some mad butties and pastries with stuff you’ve never heard of, but taste class. Produce locally sourced too, I think.
Already mentioned it, but This & That in town. Can’t beat rice and three. Change from a tenner as well. Class. Back where I grew up in Rossendale there’s a bakery called Cissy Greens. Their pork pies are top three of all time, easily.
Tell us a bit about your zines, how many have you done, what can we find inside them, and where can we purchase?
We’ve published two now. The first, ‘That’s So Sunday League’ contained quips and musings focussing on Sunday League football, and featured photography highlighting just how miserable it can be. The changing rooms. The showers. Pitches full of dog shit. It’s raw, but we all love it, weirdly.
And then the second zine, which dropped just before Christmas, is titled ‘Footballers Doing Ordinary Things’. It’s completely different to the first. It’s completely fictional, probably. And combines football and everyday life in a unique way. It’s daft. It’s lighthearted. It’s very T95. Good to read whilst ya on the toilet, apparently. You’ll do well to find a piece of work like it. Phil Neville loading the dishwasher. Neil Warnock down the Red Lion. Gareth Barry enjoying a tip run. It’s all in there.
Do you believe part of the page’s success is down to people being frustrated with the current state of football? It almost seems like the comments are a safe space where people can vent about ticket prices, VAR, and general corruption.
Yeah absolutely. It’s football therapy, in a way. Every weekend i’m bombarded with messages. People moaning about something new. Holes in socks. Size of someone’s shin pads. VAR. Like the Ofcom of football, but without any power for change.
Do you believe football is getting worse for the average fan? If so, is there anything we can do to fix it?
Every day it gets worse. It was once the working man’s game, but not anymore. They’ve killed it. All they care about is money.
The gap between top Premier League clubs and those lower down the pyramid is getting bigger and bigger. And will only continue to do so. For me, the damage is done. I don’t think they’ll ever fix it, but if they start putting fans first then it could improve. Hull vs. Rovers in the FA Cup last month for example. Kicked off at 2:30pm, on a Sunday, for overseas television. Who the fuck’s looking at that game in America, Asia, wherever and thinking “yeahhh let’s stick that on the tele.” Didn’t wanna watch it myself. Never mind as a neutral.
Where do you want to take T95 in the future? Any big plans for the year ahead?
It’s not something i’ve thought about too much, in all honesty. I’d love to do a big T95 community meet-up. At a tip, maybe. Or a flat roof pub. Then watch some non-league football.
I want to work with more brands too. Write a few bits for ‘em, collaborate etc. Always said I’d love to do somet’ with Rovers. Actually had a feature in the pipeline with them, but it just didn’t materialise unfortunately. They saw my fee. Nahhh messing. But if any other clubs, or brands, fancy it and they’re reading this then give us a shout. Except Burnley.
Cheers for chatting today, Cal.
