Like England, Portugal are one of the perennial under-achievers of European international football. Always full of big game players from some of Europe’s biggest clubs, the Portuguese nevertheless fail to make any real impact in major tournaments. For the past decade or so and despite being blessed with one of the best players of all time, the Portuguese have limped out of tournament after tournament way before the final hurdle. The one time they did make the final, they lost at home to a Greece team who were undoubtedly the dullest international side of all time.
Despite this, and again sharing form with England, Portugal always go into European Championship finals on a wave of expectation backed by huge Nike hype machinery and a Ronaldo marketing campaign that makes Donald Trump’s look shy.
Both Portugal shirts appear to have a pair of false tits built into them. Whether this is to boost the confidence of those players who don’t have the physique of their prima donna leader or a comment on the players as a whole, their appearance gives the impression of sweaty mammaries all round. Other than the tits issue Nike have been quite restrained with both shirts. The home combines a red body with sleeves in the more traditional Portuguese port wine colour. The away is a two-toned green affair in the less traditional colours of mushy peas and Aldi toothpaste.
Surprisingly given Nike’s claims that Portugal’s kits are ‘Dynamically inspired by the personalities and qualities of Portugal’s current footballing legends such as Ronaldo, Pepe, et al’, neither of the Portuguese kits resemble a bellend or a massive fanny. Both contain enhanced waterproofing capabilities to deal with the inevitable sobbing when they exit at the Quarter-final stage. Reports that Ronaldo wants his shirt made by the same manufacturing plant that produced the shirts Switzerland wore against France so he can literally tear it from his body are currently unconfirmed.