S.E.H. Kelly Competition, win a Ventile jacket! COMPETITION CLOSED – Well done to Richard McLaws!

Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr


As if the news of our new issue arriving this month wasn’t good enough for you, we’re now giving you the chance to win an exceptionally beautiful piece of outerwear care of our very good friends at S.E.H. Kelly! Up for grabs this time is their new weather-proof jacket which Paul from S.E.H Kelly informs us …

It’s a four-button Ventile jacket with a detachable peaked hood. We call it the “four-button Ventile jacket with a detachable peaked hood“. Everyone knows Ventile cotton was invented in 1930s Manchester. Weatherproof and hydrophobic, it was very popular back then because it extended the life-expectancy of the bloke wearing it, were he to find himself submerged in sub-zero waters. Impressive. We’ve added to that the element of disguise: a detachable peaked hood with two-button chin-guard fastening.”






 For your chance to win one of these stunning jackets — in taupe or in navy blue — all you have to do is give us your funniest answer to the following …

 Ventile is all well and good — but if YOU invented a fabric, what would you call it and what would it do?

 You can answer by posting in the comments on this page (including your size and colour) or by tweeting the answer to @sehkelly and @propermag. The winner will be picked at the end of March.



  1. Brit-rite – silken yet tweedy hand. Allows its wearer to speak like Michael Caine, spit hot jets of tea with just the right amount of milk, and deficate coronation commemorating plate sets.

  2. Bruce Gorrie

    Right, it’s rubbish this but ‘SEHKundSkin’, a lamentable new fabric that bonds to the wearer’s body and can only be removed with methylated spirits* and an oxyacetylene torch. And even then only partially. Hugely inconvenient but never again will you accidentally leave your prized coat in a taxi after a night on the methylated spirits* with Roddy Frame in an East Kilbride underpass. *not the purple one *I have no evidence to suggest Roddy Frame drinks methylated spirits.
    Navy blue, XL. I apologise in advance.

  3. Dinny Fountain

    Translated utilizing GOOGLE Translate:
    My material wood be called din-bag-ex. It will have many numerous usages.

    WOW! It will have many many numerous usages!e.g.g The power to make you the most scrumptious LAD on the bungalows. Lick, for example you will be standing on the bungalows watching the candle and the other LAD will proceed “That LAD is the most proper scrumptious I have ever spleen” This will product place your magazine in many LAD heads (but you will get no republics). Din-bag-ex will also keep jimmies remaining unrustled LOL, TEEHEE, SHAMON-ET!

    Taupe large please

    Yours sincerely,
    With many thanks,

  4. Graham Oliver

    Funny you should ask. My fabric, which is mine, is Sticklebax. You know when you’re naked under your coat, and you’re dancing alone in a cornfield, wearing a fez? Well, where to store your sticklebacks? And how do you keep your sticklebacks fresh and not, like, really humming, or owt? Easy. Just stuff ’em in your Sticklebax jacket. The fabric not only keeps sticklebacks as moist as the minute you caught them with your broom handle and string, but it also provides maximum chafing protection for those times when you choose to go starkers under it. While wearing a fez. And dancing alone in a cornfield.

    Medium taupe, please.

  5. Marky Woo

    OsmosisTex A fabric designed with the help of Peruvian Pygmies, the material has inherent magical qualities which means it changes its texture, colour and pattern according to mood and situation, it can be lightweight and also heavyweight and warming. The magical thread is also extremely waterproof and breathable. The water is stored withing the fibres, and then is vaporized and transported to water tanks in different African countries where it is cooled as drinking water, sanitary water etc. So not only is it magically stylish, waterproof and the best textile ever invented, it also saves peoples lives.

  6. Fabric name – Heatex

    Fabric that reacts to the temperature your in, whether that be minus 10 or +30 degrees!

    All on its own of course, the brainy bastard.

  7. Tranny waxed,

    A colourful fabric – perfect for people who like a bit of rough with their smooth. Beautiful Silk-cut soft-to-touch outer layer with a tough hard wearing, leathery Lining

    Navy L


  8. The Tell’er Stella.

    I’d make a jacket out of it and every time the wife asked a question I’d just need to say ‘tell her Stella’ and she’d get the answer she wanted.

  9. Scrotile

    When turned inside-out, this cloth resembles a highly-flammable tracksuit top, thus allowing the adventurous gentleman to blend in at an association football match without fear of violence.

    Taupe, L please…

  10. David Segal

    My fabric would be called Goat-Tex.

    Made from a goat’s cashmere wool fibers, the fabric would be re-worked to become waterpoof and breathable. A ‘wooly’ answer to the common Gore-Tex. A soft, delicate yet functional fabric. Genius.

    Taupe in Small.

  11. Thingtile

    The fabric is made from a highly technical fabric involving a deeply complex process that you and your small brain would not fathom and you would definitely explode if I tried to explain it to you – so I wont. Anyhoo it’s bestest properties are repelling the monster out of that film the thing, the thing if you will. Anyway – it’s lovely stuff and has the ability for a lovely cut that hides any unsightly bulges such as a phone or a toblerone that you may have in your pocket.

    Navy XL pleaseandthankyou

  12. Well this is good timing, I’ve been working in my lab on a few new textiles with celebrity endorsements:

    Terry Thomas Towelling – debonair, cultured, a hit with the ladies, ideal for sports jackets and cravats. Very absorbent.

    Rolf Harris Tweed – from native Australian wool, while on the loom is wont to ask the weaver ‘can you tell what it is yet?’

    Al Gore-Tex – waterproof, breathable, environmentally friendly, albeit with high carbon footprint..

    Dan Merino – This was big in the ‘80’s when American Football was on Channel 4 on Sunday afternoons.

    Err… Richard Herringbone Tweed?… Pat Cashmere…? CorduRoyKeane…

    Taupe in medium please!

  13. My jacket would be made out of freeze dried shamrocks and air dried Guinness sewn together by Leprechauns x pope Francis

  14. Nohair wool : very rare textile sourced from the stubborn tufts of hair found atop the scalps of those in the late stages of pattern 5 baldness. A durable and pliable fabric that is also hydrophobic while maintaining a smooth, lustrous sheen. taupe/small

  15. I envision a jacket with an outer shell of “spendex” (an intensely expensive cotton twill, that although resembles normal cotton twill in every way, has only been handled by unusually attractive people in very good moods with nice skin), lined with a nice wool flannel tartan (the tartan belonging to a clan of Scotsmen so purely Scottish that their speech pattern can’t be registered harmonically by anyone wearing pants, and their currency consists of small packets of Walkers bacon-crisps and rolled r’s).

    Large navy

  16. Vaintile – a trendy newfabric worn by those who don’t appreciate the stunning simplicity of the S.E.H. Kelly ventile jacket.

    Taupe medium (please!)

  17. Laurence

    AuntyEster – dispenses fish finger sandwiches and tea. It does smell of bacardi though and Your dad won’t like it. Taupe, Medium.

  18. Martin Nercessian

    Sorry, blue medium if you please.

  19. Martin Nercessian

    Notmadeinchinatex. It would be a rare, near mithical fabric that would grant the wearer a sense of doing the right thing.

  20. Dean Gerstel

    There are many waterproof fabrics on the market designed to keep you dry. But where does all the rain go? It runs-off straight down your thighs, leaving them wetter and you colder than you would have been without your super waterproof coat. Not the case with ‘ABSORB’ the revolutionary new fabric that keeps you dry but without the ‘run-off’! Available in only in Small/Taupe…Please

  21. dotcotton – dispenses fags from any pockets that are made with the material

    For what it’s worth, Taupe Medium…

  22. Ryan Williams

    Ratex plain a simple, Latex with a twist, when it rains the nearest female approaches you in a seductive fashion. It is national steak and blow job day after all, i’ll get my hat…

    Taupe please, medium.

  23. Paul Mortimer

    Like a cunt, I forgot to say I am medium and like navy baby

  24. Biff Loman

    Bore-Tex: it’s highly water-resistant and breathable, which will enable you to survive in the wild. Not that it matters as you’ll only wear it to the pub, where you’ll drone on for hours about its amazing technical properties. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz……

    Navy XL please. Not that it matters, as Johnny Hall has got it in the bag. The bastard.

  25. Wollyester.

    It’s coated in jam which slides off on to your shoes to invite your trousers down to lunch whilst ruining your dodgy as fuck white gym socks.

    It also cannot be made into the shape of a hood so your quiff gets ruined in the rain/you get chinned for looking a tit.

    Finally, its dead rigid so it can be transformed into a fixie. Not compatible with nuts and bolts so you may/will get injured riding this fixie.

  26. ‘Keepadfookinrainoff’ ermm…..because it keeps the fucking rain off.

    Taupe – Medium

  27. stealth -this fabric enables you to enter a pub when you fancy a quite pint without been seen by the pub pest, enabling wearer to be alone with their thoughts as long as they please

  28. Whore-tex – enjoy an evening with a lady of the night without the risk of any ‘spillages’ ruining your shirt.

  29. Cunt-tex

    Would sell it to a load of divs and be like “ha ha – cunt-tex” cos they’ve bought something with cunt in the title so must be a bunch of cunts. haha. cunt.

  30. Posh Long Cloth , when you wear it you go from 5’8″ to 6’2″ and sound like Roger Moore.

  31. Pepperami-cloth. Like cheese-cloth but Pepperami instead. Pepperamis are waterproof, breathable and tasty so you can take your pick in terms of attributes. Limited edition garments made out of Pepperami hot could be used to give the fabric a seasonal twist.

  32. Monkeytennisester… Dunno, it’s just a title.

    I’m not even gonna say Navy L…

  33. Swiss James

    Nylon2- Lightweight, breathable, machine washable, holds its shape (both in terms of crease-proof and not stretching), wind proof and difficult to rip.

    Oh and it makes you invisible, maybe should have led with that.

  34. Theo Landon

    Australyester; the best birthday suit material you’ll ever find. Transforms you from a pasty, five foot, rain-soaked Briton to a suntanned, six-foot, sports-dominating colonial in a matter of seconds. Resistant to all types of weather as well as anything it disagrees with, you’ll find Australyester worn in all seasons. Seen around The Royals, seen around a Barbecue; this season, see it around You.

    Thanks heaps,

    (and, a Navy in Large)

  35. Gentsile – it’s like ventile, except you can’t see it. It is a fabric you can never see, but it’s at the forefront of the curated aesthetics daubed by my good self as potatomenswear.

  36. My fabric would be luretex doesn’t repel rain but attracts women it gives off a magnetic sexual powers the fabric is embedded with 20 different blends of old spice and brut

  37. Richard McLaws

    In an effort to create a new organic, sustainable fabric, I created noddylon. Made only with hair harvested from the chops of Noddy Holder. Has the added benefit of being glam as fuck. Absolute shit in the rain though.

    taupe, xl

  38. Predatorflex – we are the jackets you cannot see…..

  39. Dennis Schlömer

    You know what happens, when you squeeze fog? Right you get squog. Squog is the material my fabric is made of. The weight is comparable to the one of a feather and it´ s smooth as fuck.
    (small, taube)

  40. HideaTex, hides the growing pot belly as middle age descends, and the hood can hide your bald spot too.

  41. Sell-veg de-Nimes.

    Wear it and you turn into a market stall worker from a popular tourist destination in southern France, flogging all the best legumes known to man.


  42. Johnny Hall

    I’ve invented an outdoors material called phwoartex. I’ve made 2 jackets out of it so far – one in my size and one that will fit Julia Bradbury. The plan is to creep up behind her in some woods and velcro us together. She’ll never get away.

  43. Robert Ashworth

    Sveltex-Instantly transforming middle-aged men back to their youth…hang on that’s already been invented, it’s called beer.
    (Taupe, small. Cheers)

  44. Mark Lawton

    Mixture of the material of Kings and the Material of Gentleman to make you feel like the Cock of the Walk.

  45. Neil Red

    My fabric would be could ‘twatter-proof’. When your taking a leisurely stroll through any busy city it would defer your eyes from any young lads wearing vests, SnapBack caps and high top trainers, diverting your eyes only to smartly dressed chaps in proper shoes, smart shirts and sharp jackets!.
    (size Medium, Navy)

  46. Lloyd Matthews

    Lloydtex is what it’d be called. Special feature being invisibility. Easy.

    Taupe a medium please cheers.

Write A Comment