Ten Euro 2024 Shirts to be hated and rated

It’s that time again.

The biannual festival of football is upon us.

On foreign shores, Irish pubs are awash with bare-chested men from English market towns braying about what the “RAF from England” did several generations ago, and back home Auntie Sue is inexplicably wearing an England cowboy hat. We love it really, don’t we? There’s a lot to love.

The child in us all still secretly buzzes off the new kits coming out just before the tournament. We can all get bogged down in why the cross of St George should only ever be red on white, but the appeal is in the other nations. With that in mind we’ve written a few words about a few shirts that caught our eye.

Croatia Home
Always difficult to be original when the basic rules are “red and white chessboard”. Imagine one year a designer misreads chessboard and makes a kit based on a cheeseboard instead? No? Anyway, this variation on the theme is boring, uninspiring and looks like a Five Guys concept kit. Not a fan.

France Home
Les Bleus always do nice kits, whether with Nike or adidas. It’s their thing. The fact this one has a massive cock on its chest will probably interest your Dad, lol.

Ideal for when you’re playing football for Hungary at 12 and rugby for Wales at 3.

Nice enough. The pattern is confusing. Looks like when your Nan forgets she’s not meant to iron it.

Now we’re talking. Timeless silhouette, purist, no fannying about.

This is a supermarket logo away from being a Bolton Wanderers third shirt.

Notoriously neutral, this is what happens when things get designed by committee. One person wants the cross, another likes that squiggle thing. Another says Puma needs one logo on the chest but another prefers the arm. In the end, the most compliant in the group throws his notes up in the air and storms out, saying “Fine, have the fucking lot then”. Then this happens. And I managed to avoid saying the badge is a big plus.

Always nice enough, with an eye on detail, Scotland have a decent track record for tournament kits, if not the tournaments themselves. This boasts a pattern that looks like the carpet from Inverness Wetherspoons, a place we’ve not been to and now don’t need to.

The winner by some margin. Classic. Why don’t shirts have collars anymore? They’re smart.

Keen to freshen up from the usual shade of green for their change shirt, Germany appear to have fingered the rollerdeck keenly and landed on the name of the guy who chooses what League One clubs get to wear. It’s giving Peterborough United away.

Mark Smith

I had pizza for tea.

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