Win a pair of Saucony Trainer 80

Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr

To show off about the forthcoming launch of Proper Issue 14 we’re giving away six pairs of Saucony Trainer 80.

The Trainer 80 dates back 33 years to a time when running was called jogging and the people who did it all had impressive moustaches. These trainers put us in mind of an over-zealous games teacher with problems at home. It is – how you say – a strong look?

The Footwork Issue of Proper will feature all manner of trainery bits and bobs, not to mention some great stories written by our network of witty cranks about jobs they did years ago. It’ll be out soon, watch this space and all that.

All you need to do to enter our competition is answer the following question.

Saucony is named after Saucony Creek in Pennsylvania.

If you could set up a footwear brand with a watery story behind its name, what would it be called and why?

It could be something as small as a puddle on your street or as vast as the Atlantic. Ideally something creative and funny.

Post your entry in the comments of this page.

The best six will be chosen by our independent panel of adjudicators and the comp runs for a month. We’ll announce the winners in the first week of October, at which point you can all start growing your ‘taches ready for Movember/wearing these Trainer 80s.

Trainer 80 2943-27 Trainer 80 2937-25 Blue.Yellow

I had pizza for tea.


  1. Beanoir1

    From the scurge of the Northamptonshire white middle classes came a reckoning…
    Forged from the aroma of special brew and gold seal, in the wastelands of ‘Dead Mans Island’, known for it’s acceptance of trainee white witchcraft, harbouring of spying old strokers but importantly the 5 day smoke, drink and reachroundathons.
    Where boys became slightly less fumbling and girls became frenzied and eveyone became stinky.
    Burnt tree trunks sparked testosterone obsession, destroy at all costs, random objects must know and feel the venom of a bare chested teen driven by the glances of the brunette with the pink lumberjack shirt, black leggings, thick belt and nipples!
    A fabled rope swing tests your mettle to the back drop of Hijack’s Style Wars echoing through the discharged array of spray cans and random spoiled Mayfair pages.
    The snap of wood echoes, you style it out. The fright of cold water hits, sandy riverbed envelopes your arm, the stench of embarrassment fills your every orifice, you rise up, take a few steps, each one feeling like a vinegar stroke, you know it’s coming, it always does. As you reach the bank you feel it’s brush on your thigh, your next historic moves are that of Spiderman up a muddy bank.
    PIKE footwear is born.

  2. King Gerald III

    My shoe brand would be called ‘A dam sail’ after the spectacular view that can be seen on the horizon of a reservoir when a colourful yacht skims the boundary of the repository on a beautiful summers day. Incidentally, it is also the name of a much fabled beverage that our Grandad used to make us drink after me and my brother had quaffed his Corona cherryade supplies a whole two hours after the pop man had delivered it.

  3. PIKE footwear. So named due to teenage ramblings in a place known as Dead Mans Island near Oxford. Aswell as a haven for trainee white witch activity, afore mentioned Island had a mean rope swing upon its banks that soiled many a bare chested whipper snapper whilst hijacks style warriors revenge echoed through the trees.
    Upon falling from the swing with youthful anguish and just enough drama to add to the already bubbling vibe set by special brew and gold seal.
    Step forth the pike, swishing through your ankles.
    Run winged feet – let water not hold you back!

  4. ‘Rapidz’
    Run like a fast flowing river, for a price that won’t make your bottom quiver!

  5. Graham Oliver

    My shoe brand would be Quaggy, so named after the muddy, stagnant stretch in Lewisham. I’ve always had a soft spot for the Quaggy because, unlike its posh cousin up the road, The Ravensbourne, the Quaggy knows its shit. Which is what my trainers would be. Shit.

  6. Flares Brian

    Retroponic Shoes Ltd – made from quality hemp as worn by Ebb moses and Flow Jo. For those that would like to run but just can’t be arsed.

  7. Flares Brian

    Tsunami Training shoes – helping you to get to that higher ground a little bit quicker

    Already got an order for 50,000 pairs from the Newcastle branch of Size

  8. Flares Brian

    Golden Showers Shoe Co – because we piss all over our competitors.

  9. james brennan

    I’d just own up to what they were really going to be worn for- nobody is running, climbing or sprinting anywhere in their trainers these days.
    Mine would be called the ‘JB Slowstepper’, with the tagline ‘From bar stool to bus stop’.

  10. seaburn – wearsider’s , not for boats. sunderland’s finest.

  11. Francisco

    I’d called them “Mediterraneam” because it’s the name of sea more visited for everyone. They’ll be a coloured trainers and they’ll be special for sunmertime

  12. Johnny Hall

    We went on a boating holiday when I was a kid along the Lancaster Canal. Alright, not exactly the millionaires playground of St Tropez but for a ten year old from the mean streets of Tottington it was exotic enough. I took my blow-up dinghy along and whilst we were moored up at Garstang marina I rowed it out a short distance with half a stale loaf of warby’s toastie to feed the ducks. Within seconds of me starting to chuck pieces of bread over the side, the ducks were chased off by a mob of swans, all game as fuck and very pushy. These were pure top table swans, make no mistake. They didn’t understand the concept of queuing and quickly formed a complete circle around my dinghy, hissing and pecking at my first my dinghy and then my arms. In my panic I threw what was left of the bread over the side in the vain hope that they would leave me alone. No chance. The funny-looking, long necked wankers quickly ate it all (one daft cunt even ate the bag) and then just got angrier. A couple actually jumped onto the dinghy and were pecking my head and body. I rocked the dinghy from side to side to displace them but only succeeded in flipping it over completely and I ended up walking back to the bank(the water was only about 3 feet deep) with the dinghy over my head whilst the swans continued to attack me by diving under the water. When I got back to terra ferma my mam was screaming her head off and my dad was pissing his sides. So I’d like to call my trainers Garstang Marina and hopefully use the trainers to kick the fuck out of a few swans now that I’m a bit bigger. And maybe my dad too.

  13. Martin Young

    Harking back to the days when Diadora made trainers from Kangaroo skin, I’d be a bit more inventive and make mine from the skin of goldfish.
    For that reason, I’d call them “Golden Guppy Gutties”

  14. Mind of a Razor

    How about Timberlake, as I’m no shoe designer and along with the Saucony I’m sure people would cry me a river if they had to wear the shit. I didn’t win the Nikes either you bunch of……

  15. B.O.A.T. ( Big Open AtlanticTrainers)

    BOAT – ‘what you need to get across the Big Open Atlantic’

  16. I’d call my sneaker brand REG. Im a Stockport (famous for it’s Hat Museum) lad myself, and the mighty River Etherow and the Goyt merge into the Mersey at Stockport. Following on the Mancunian theme, I’d base the colourways on Reg Holdsworth’s many and varying glasses.

  17. Glen Sanderson

    My trainers would be called ‘cocker the north’ after the river cocker that runs through my home town of cockermouth (yes i’ve heard all the knob in gob, blowjob jokes)
    Anyway one sunny summers evening me and my mates were messing about on the bank of the cocker and stumbled upon the back of the local garden centre. The guard dog of the garden centre didn’t take too kindly to our ‘ inquisitive’ nature and decided to chase us down the bank towards the river.
    Being 12 and shitting ourselves at the site of an angry dog with teeth growling we had no choice but to jump into the river to get to the relative safety of a field of cows on the other side.

    Needles to say on the other side of the bank we were all taking the piss out of each other for who was bricking it the most.

    It ruined a few pairs of trainers as well!


  18. Pat Sharp

    Being an 80s sex icon for both females and the gay community takes its strain on you.

    I love nothing more to unwind by pounding the streets in my Ron Hill bollock flashing shorts, Hi Tec Silver Shadow and string vest.

    As I jog past the ladies with a cheeky glint in my eye, the wind blowing my golden locks, I leave them with an unusual tingling and dampness in their panties. Some have been known to be left dripping like an egg sandwich!

    For this reason I would call my trainers Monsoon.

  19. There is a small stream that runs through South Birmingham called The river Rea pronounced ‘Ray’ that I spent much of my youth catching sticklebacks and making dams. So I’d call my watery footwear Rea Running Free.

  20. Being from Salford I would call my watery based trainer company ‘Canal’

    Then people could scribble out the C leaving just anal for bare lolz.

    It works on a comedy level and also trainer collectors are also very anal. I should know.

  21. Paul Garner

    Finland – the “land of the thousand lakes” is a watery place! The East of Finland is thought of as the Lakeland of Finland, and this is where the city of Kuopio is. Kuopio is surrounded by Lake Kallavesi – according to my wife, the most beautiful lake in Finland. So, I would call the footwear brand “Kallavesi Creepers”.
    (My wife was born in Kuopio and so may be a little biased!)

  22. Jason Waldron

    Bartley Rezza
    Because that was where I spent most of the 80’s yachting and generally messing around

  23. In the olden days I needed trainers to keep me one step-ahead of a mob of mullet-haired,ice-wash denim wearing Germans in Nuremberg or crazy,pole-waving Cypriots in Limassol.Now when I’m watching Wales,I go for a nice jog along the banks of the river in Cardiff, so Taff trainers for me.

  24. Harry McNally

    River Howard trainers.

    Fast flowing New Zealand river. And Frankie Howard loved to say Saucey. So Saucony River Howard

  25. Ben Loten

    I’d call mine Thames Pigs. Last week me and some pals were having the pints in a juicer by The Thames. We started to hear a constant banging against wood, a dull type of thud. Looking over the side into the water I saw two pigs heads banging against the jetty. Must have been thrown from a river boat party of some other poncy do.
    I took them home and they cooked up lovely.

  26. Carleton

    I would call my footwear company Okeechobee after Lake Okeechobee in South Florida. It may seem like a mouthful but is a pleasure to say. It has the connotation of a rain dance. It is one of last wild lands of an otherwise Mickey Mouse filled Florida nightmare. A naturally beautiful state often overlooked because of the insanity that ensues there. It is a place where people get STDs for vacation and buy second homes they can’t afford. But I love diamonds in the ruff. And Okeechobee is an oasis. The name comes from the Hitchiti tribe for big water. I would make all the shoes waterproof but light. Great for Spring hikes or city walks. It also has a connection to my Grandfather from Brooklyn. He used the term “okeechobee” to mean “alright now” or “ok then” and so I knew the word before the lake. Zora Hurston also set a lot of her amazing book Their Eyes Were Watching God there. I would put quotes from the book in each different shoe collection footbed or maybe print a map of the Everglades trail. Okeechobee is a mystical beast that has been surrounded by subdivisions and shopping malls. I don’t want it to be molested and manicured. It deserves attention and nothing would be better than working on a shoe company with its namesake!!! Lake Titicaca might be funnier though. Cheers, Carleton

  27. Tib Trabb Trainers. After the River Tib a lost river of Manchester now cover by a road which is more famous for porn/pet shops and the original home of Oi Polloi.

  28. Trough Splashs: After the stians on me trainers following a night on the ale

  29. Splash Back great name for a retro trainer, but is in fact a reference to an unfortunate episode in my life. It was a bitterly cold and wet morning on 8th November, year of our lord 1981.

    Mr Stockdale (aka Bonehead as he wasnt the sharpest tool in the box) made me do PE in just my vest and pants as I had forgotten my kitbag, and also for the fact he was a sexual predator and jumped at the chance.

    I had stood too close to the urinals and ended up with a map of Italy on my pale blue St Michael’s Y Fronts. On the back there was also a stain which looked a little bit like former USSR.

    Oh how the boys mocked and laughed as I stood on the playing field doing star jumps.

    So I think Splashback would be the perfect retro trainer in a yellow and brown colourway.

    To save you the trouble of asking size 11 thanks : -)

  30. i think Beaver would be a good name, after Beaver Creek in Minnesota.
    As well as being waterproof and having strong durability as sensible attributes, I reckon there could be some hilarious double entendery afoot.

    “Just slipping into some Beaver”.
    “Beavers are a lovely tight fit”.
    ” I like my Beavers wet”
    ” Beavers may not as tidy looking as they used to be, but still look good wrapped around 10 inchers”.

    Also advertising slogans such as Beaver Patrol and Beaver Fever could be used..

  31. Sharif Reyhani

    My trainer firm would be called ‘Broads’ after the Norfolk Broads. I’d get Alan Partridge to endorse them and wear them in the sequel to his first feature film.

  32. I would call them ‘Sandgrownuns’ (grown by the sand) as I’m originally from Morecambe Bay and thats what folks from Morecambe were called int’ olden days.

  33. Matty McCann

    As a kid family holidays never meant France or Spain, they were road trips to see my nan in Donegal, Ireland. We always stayed in a tiny house on a place called Lough Swilly (Irish name was loch Suili or ‘Lake of Shadows’) Shadowy maybe, bollock numbingly cold, grey and permanently drizzly – definitely. But I loved it so would call my trainers ShadowLake (reckon sounds bit better that way round)

  34. Nic Dunnaway

    I would use the name Chenab after a river in the Himalayas famed for its beauty.

  35. kelvin "taff" wood

    as ive never run,and am now too old too anyway,these should be named after my local river and just be known as “WYE”

  36. Katama

    Once spent a top day doing nothing on Katama Beach on Martha’s Vineyard on a school exchange

    Decent name too

  37. Matt Rawsy

    My footwear brand would be designed for gig goers and clubbers, they would be able to withstand beer, piss and sick and still look cool.

    “Bière, L’urine, Le Vomi” is the name, which according to Google Translate means “Beer, Piss, Sick” in French (sounds better in French!)

  38. Eddy Rhead

    Back in 1986 i was having an argument with an aspiring young singer called Terry Howard. We were having the age old argument “Whats the best river?” He said The Severn but i was having none of it. I insisted the Trent because it goes through all the best towns of the Midlands – Nottingham, Burton, Stoke etc.
    “Dont forget Derby” Terence interjected.
    “Dont be an idiot” i said “Its The Derwent that goes through Derby not the Trent Terrence”
    He immediately ran out the room, changed his name to Terrence Trent D’arby and the rest is pop history.
    It is for this reason i would call my trainers Trent Trainers (coupled with the fact that every thing south of the River Trent is rubbish and always will be rubbish)

  39. Sebastian Storm

    I was born in Södermalm(Hammarby IF), Stockholm, but my family moved to a big house in the stockolmian archipelago outside Waxholm and the bay outside us was called “Trälhavet”- it translates to “Slave Bay”. I would like them to be based on the old Nike model Nike Waffle

  40. Harry McNally

    The Twixter Peninsulas.

    Because I live on a peninsula Twix the Rivers Mersey and River Dee.

  41. Chris Dale

    I’d name my footwear brand after the River Irk in Manchester. Mainly because winning, and then subsequently wearing, these trainers might irk of some of those “That’s not Casual” nobheads who post pictures of their Adidas on train platforms on Instagram.

  42. David Jones

    River Mersey edition trainers. Colourway would be Brown and Green to represent the amount of shit and piss the River has had the misfortune of collecting since it was created.

  43. Terrence

    Your Mum’s Pants.

    Footwear’s answer to YMC.

  44. Theres a medevial moat near where i used to live bang right in centre of a council estate which is proper out of place some fishing club own it now.
    So my trainers would be called moatys i would get paul gascoigne to model them whilst reenacting the day he tried to save raoul moat with a chicken and a fishing rod.

Write A Comment