Have you started seriously thinking about joining the National trust? Do you try and round crowds of people up at the match by whistling and saying ‘come by, come by’? Are you on first name terms with the nice ladies in the Barbour shop? Do you look like the fifth member of the Arctic Monkeys?
Take this test immediately to see if you’re turning into a bit of a cunt-ry gent
1. What do you look for in a hat?
A) Something warm, a bit different and it doesn’t make me look like Tweedle Dee.
B) A quality drawstring for when I want the flaps up.
2. When you’re watching Emmerdale what goes through your head?
A) Look at that scruffy get, she’s fit her, oh great it’s that gay one, she’s fit an all, is it nearly time for Corrie?, she’d get it too.
B) Bedale, Beaufort, she’s fit her, Durham, is that a Dry-Fly?
3. What are the predominant colours in your wardrobe?
A) Blue, Grey, Black, White.
B) Olive, Myrtle, Asparagus, Fern.
4. What accessories do you think finish off the perfect outfit?
A) An expensive watch, a nice scarf, designer shades, a decent bag, a cig behind the ear.
B) A crook, a black Labrador, a Rolls Royce, 12 bore, ruddy veined cheeks, the Cairngorms.
5. What would be your ideal Saturday?
A) Winning away twelve – nil, then onto a pub giving away free beer, followed by a coked up sex sesh with two Gucci models then tucking into a kebab that contains at least 50% meat before getting a taxi home where the driver doesn’t chat shit as he’s too busy skinning up.
B) Grouse shooting for 12 hours then lots of bitter/ gin followed by an argument about pig husbandry in the Strangled Woman.
Turns out you’re rather (sub)urban and boring, don’t come crying to me if a fox runs off with your wife, now get of my land or I’ll set the dogs on you!
Congratulations, you’re a proper countrified geezer, email us your address and we’ll send you the next copy of Proper printed on a limited edition tweed*
*we won’t really