Call us a big fun sponge if you like, but can we all agree Christmas jumpers are a festive footstep too far?
Sure, your sister’s boyfriend is a nice lad and all that, he always gets a beer in and if you ever need a bit of help with some DIY he’s first in. But he wears Christmas Jumpers. And for that reason, despite his and your best efforts, you can never be actual mates. Unless… wait….
Show him this list we’ve compiled featuring winterval woolen garments it’s ok to wear. He may baulk at your choices and tell you none of them will cut the mustard down Yates’s Wine Lodge, but you can but try.
In no particular order then…
1. Beams Plus Wool Pile Crewneck
This is like something Freddie Kruger would wear to a benefits review and for that reason we cannot endorse it enough.
Oi Polloi, £192
2. Sunspel Sweat Top in Violet
Ok, so not technically knitwear but it does the same job. Plus if you wear this on Black Eye Friday you can be both violent and violet.
Yards Store, £110
3. Northern Fells Women’s Fair Isle Sweater – Stardust
Bit of a wild card this. It’s perfect for your drunken Mrs to wear as she brings in the New Year with all her hair all over the place and one of her earrings missing, and yet with all the carbs you’re going to devour this yuletide maybe it’ll fit your new January shape. Or is that just me?
Northern Fells, £75
4. Pop Trading Pop Eye Knit
Arguably more childish than that Primark jumper with the words ‘On the Piste’ on it, and yet infinitely cooler. Popeye on a sweater by a Dutch brand. Lovely stuff.
Peggs and Son, £145
5. Stone Island Jumper in Salmon
Got to put this in haven’t I? Whether paired with the casual archetypes such as 3 stripes and a pair of jeans, or contemporary’d up with a more streety vibe, this is the antithesis of the Xmas jumper.
6. YMC Striped Hand Knit Draped Cardigan
You know if you’re going to drop 3 ton on a cardigan you’ve got to make a statement. The statement in question here is “Yes, the Big Lebowski had a big influence on me”.
Psyche Menswear £295
7. Snow Peak Alpaca Knit
Another weighty purchase, especially at this time of year. But if you’re gonna splash the cash you could do a lot worse than this. Pure Heroes of Telemark vibes.
The Hip Store, £220
8. Barbour Beacon Lambswool Crew Neck
This crew neck really is mustard. Look at it. Both senses of the word. Although they reckon it’s copper. I’m not having it. Mustard. Say it’s mustard. SAY IT!
9. APC Crew Neck Cashmere Sweater
If you’ve never aspired to dress like a Parisian kids TV presenter, you’ve not lived, as far as I’m concerned. No back answers, no messing. This gorgeous example of cashmere has that elegance we’ve come to associate with the French brand.
10. La Paz Teixeira Shetland Wool Blue Sweater
Captain Birdeye. Portuguese Captain Birdseye. You’ve capture the eye of all the birds in this. Eh? Girls. Women. BIRDS! Oooh, sex! Seriously though, if you’re gonna get yourself a bit of knitwear you want it made by people who base their ethos on the sea.
All that and I managed to swerve saying the word ‘Portugeezer’.
*pats self on back*
Fresh Store, €199.00
11. Folk Mixed Yarn Crew Neck
If you stare at this long enough, its magic eye properties reveal a nativity scene. You can’t get more festive than that, can you? Oh, I forgot to say you have to drink a CBD oil cocktail to make the above happen. Go on, it’s Christmas. Also, at number 11 in this list it’s quite fitting that this looks like something a left winger would wear. With a beret, probably.
The Hip Store, £130.
12. La Panoplie Pull Laine Bouillie
Proper hangover jumper this. Not only would it look great hung over your shoulders, it’s also got that snug quality its fleecey construction lends to the wearer. It’s also the colour of Vimto, almost. Which as anyone with any clue about getting pissed knows is the ideal hangover tonic.
Oi Polloi, £135
13. Fjallraven Greenland Re-Wool Sweater
The absolute stench of Werthers Originals emanating from this ‘Kind Grandad of the 1980s’ sweater make it an absolute must. Let’s face it, everything genuinely cool is borrowed from the most unlikely setting, repurposed, restyled and in this case ‘re-wooled’ to make it all the better.
The Sporting Lodge, £150
14. Howlin’ Science Fiction Dance Party
Have I saved the best ’til last? I have, haven’t I? Look at it? Part Bon Marche, part Belgian beat poet. It makes me think of chalk lollies and let me tell you, I love chalk lollies.
Fresh Store, €245.00